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My story – No filter – Louise Xin

Before I started this website for my clothing in September 2017 , my plan was to start something a lot bigger then just a website for my clothing. I wanted to fight against everything I believed was wrong in the fashion industry and build a plattform for different artists , everything from musicians, painter, designers to models and photographer… I wanted to build an community and connect everyone who had the same vision, the will to make a change. A place where they can be creative and can tell their story to inspire others.  I wanted to together with other talented and creative people build a media industry with diversity that sent more healthy messages to the society . Forgetting all the rules , set up new ones and screw everything we don’t wanna stand for.

But unfunturnally my plan was too big, life came between and I had too little time so it never went off. But I never let that thought go …

After some sitdown conversation with some very inspirational people, I decided to go back to my plan , and this time I will take small steps and let go off everything I’m afraid off and just do it.

My first step will be telling my own story. How everything started , where Iam today , and where I want to be…
The whole story .

No filter .

 

I was borned in a city twice as big as Stockholm in south China called Nanning. I started to paint when I was 3 . By the age of 5 I already had piles of books I’ve been drawing. My father was a painter so I guess I got it from him. But he never taught me anything. He was way too into his own thing so my mother was the one who did everything for me and took me to art school and let me perform in theater and encouraged me to be creative. By the age of 7 I was programe leader for the whole school of 3000 student and teachers. I was holding the morning flagging ceremony and all the events we had such as sport competitions and festivals performances. We used to have visit from the city and the event can be up to 5000 people . It was quite big for a little girl of age 7. I also joined a lot art competitions and theater performances . I think it’s safe to say that my love for creatvitet started pretty early .

By the age of 8 , everything in my life as I known fell apart . My parents went through a terrible divorce . My father said that I was not his child , did’nt wanted to have anything to do with me and even forched me to do fathership test. I still remember how much it hurt when the doctor stick the needle into my finger to take the blood . Afterwards , I don’t know what hurted most . The pain in my finger or the pain in my heart .
First time I thought about suicide was by the age of 8 . Already then I felt abandoned and that I was not good enough . Why would my own father otherwise leave me?

By the age of 11 we moved to Sweden. My mother married a Swedish man which turned out later on was a huge mistake. He wasn’t who we thought he would be and he was not the father figur I needed by that time. We moved to a very very small village. It was cold and quiet . Everything was so strange and new to me. From a warm big city the other side of the globe where I’ve never seen snow to a cold place up north where I didn’t knew anybody and even could speak to anybody, it was a big challenge. Specially the person you moved in with who was supposed to be your new family tells you ” This is not your home , you’re not allowed to sit and watch movie with us , you room is not your room , nothing is yours”
I remember when I was 12, I’ve just started to be good at Swedish and joined the normal class together with other Swedish kids. A older guy from class 9 screamed crossed the whole school yard ” Jävla Gulling ( Fucking Chinese/Asian) . I wanted to disappear from earth right then.
It was hard to fit in when I was like the only foreigner in my class , it was very few in the whole school. Most of the kids was very nice to me and but some of them liked to make fun of me and somehow I never felt I was one of them .
The situation at home just got worse and worse. My mother and my stepfather fought all the time. As I grow up , got older . He called me a hore , that I was never good enough , I should never trust anybody in the socety . I was’nt allowed to bring any friends home and if I came home after nine he would lock me out and let me sleep in the caravan. We lived in the woods , quit far from the school and the town. He never wanted to take me to school or sport game by car and let me walk in the snow all by myself even in the winter and it was 1 meter snow.
One of the few good thing I got from that time was when I was introduced to fashion design in hand craft class. Everybody was supposed to sew teddy bear and knitt scarf. But I was faster than the most kids and got extra time over and I saw it was patterns for clothing in the book. I sewed my every first dress when I was 13 , and I felt in love.
By the age of 13 I got a little sister , and she is the best thing that ever happend to me , that one person I love more then myself and can die for. I thought everything would be better after that but it didn’t .
In the end , I woke up almost everyday hearing screaming and broken glas. He was drunk all the time. Once I saw my mother holding a knife against herself that he tried to removed. I never forget that , even today I have nightmare from time to time about my time in that house.
I wasen’t allowed to talk about any of this to my friends and teacher in school . My whole life as a kid there was a lie. I lied about we had a cumputer at home but the reality was I created my Facebook and socialmedia like everybody had in youth recreation center after school so I don’t get bulled about I don’t have a computer.

Finally everything came to an end when my mother dare to tell the truth to her teacher when she studied swedish and we got help from these two amazing older women who basiclly saved our lifes. We moved to another town in a police car and got help from social services .

By that time I was 14 . An teenager . My first time go out party I got nearly raped by a guy in my school. It totally ruined my life and mind even more. I hated everyhting , everyone. I had anger issue. Fighted with my mother all the time. She wasn’t in good place either after everything that happend , she wanted to send me to foster family many times when we fight. Today I understand her position and got how hard her life was so I really don’t blame her , I admire her for being that strong mother who got us thorugh everything. But by that time , I just wanted to die. I cut my wrist , even wanted to jump off the building many times. The only thing that kept me alive was my little sister. Who I promised to take to Disney Land one day . I just coulden’t let her down. Other than that painting and sewing was the only therapy that worked on me.

I was fucked up in school . I was once one of the best students but by that time I didn’t had the will to be good . So one day my teacher took me into his room and said ” It’s a shame that somebody so smart as you screws up her own life by not using her intelligence on right place ”
I suddenly woke up and decided to clean my shit up. Start to take care of my study. Start to put my energi on more painting and sewing and decided I wanted to be a designer when I grew up .

We moved to a bigger city when I was about to start high school. I choosed art class because they say it was to few who choosed fashion design so the class was cancelled. But later on they change their mind and started the design class , but I already felt home in my new class so I choosed to stay.
I was still struggling my psychological health. Had often panic attack and still woke up many morning and wished I was dead. I did everyhting that wasen’t good for me , meet guys who was doing drugs , tried it myself a few times. Just when everything was about to get worse and worse and I just wanted to give up everything. I meet my first boyfriend. He was 9 years older then me. Just came out from jail like one year before we meet.  I thought good , a bad boy, he is not good for me that’s why I want him. We were both broken by then and what was supring me was how we somehow healed each other. He wanted to be a better person for me and I suddenly don’t want to do anything that was bad for me anymore because for the first time I wanted a future. Our relationship wasen’t easy . We went thorugh so much lifechanging challange together. Somehow he taught me to love myself by show me that I was worth loving.
After high school I took 2 extra years to study fashion design. To get further than that I had to get into design school , which seemed to be impossible , about 300 people apply who everybody was dying for to get in , who all did a big challenging work test and porfolio, only about 10 gets in . And even if get in , moving to Stockholm all by myself with no money and no friend seemed like totally impossible. At the same time I started to blog seriously. I already started a blog years before that but it never was anything seriously or regularly .  I was told by the only person who I knew who was working in the industry that to be able to be designer for example for Nelly.com which I saw many young influencer did was to get famous. Me , who knew nothing about the fashion indutry , and didn’t had any contact who could help me to get in to this scary world that I wanted more than anything saw blogging as my way in.  And one step closer to become a fashion designer.

It went quit well . I started to get shout outs from big companies and inspiration account on Instagram . Both internaional and national company contacted me for collaboration. For me back then , getting free cloth and collab was a big thing. I could never have done this without my little sister who was the one helping me taking all the blog pictures. I did all the settings and let her know exactlly what to do and she was great at it. She was the only one have a patienice to day after day helping me do this . Blogging was a full time job. Have a full time study , doing all the ”wife work” at home after school , plus blogging . I had no time left and was stressed out.

The only blogpost I wrote during my entire time as a blogger was when I posted a picture of me without make up and speak out about how bad I felt when people was saying I don’t look like myself without make up in real life and on my blog. The post went on online magazine and young girls wrote to me and told me their stories and said thank you for inspiring them. You see , it’s so hard to feel that you’re ever good enough . Some complain about you’re too skinny , some about you are not fit , some say you have to much make up , some say you’re ugly without . No matter what you do it will always be somebody who tells you are not good enough. And when no one says anything , you start to tell yourself horrible thing. compare yourself to other bloggers. Why is she more beautiful then me , why she got more follwers then me. One day you want to be true to yourself and stand up for your own opion. Next day you want to buy yourself follwers because everybody else did and got famous after that , or even worse , you can also get plastic sugery so you can look better because a lot other people did. Just to be clear, I don’t juge what ever you do , either if you choose you buy follwers or do botox. Everybody does something that they know maybe it’s not the best . But as long as you can stand for it and it makes you happy , do whatever you want. I do a lots of thing I shoulden’t. On the top of that . I felt like I was never living for myself , wherever I went and what ever I did I needed to take pictures and show up the beautiful side. Even my sallad had to be beatiful. I hated how fake everything was. We are living in a society based on social media , people posting beautiful picture and writes only about how good everything is. While others sitting home read and see how good others life is and comparing , wishing they also was that skinny or they also travelled all the time. We never show the whole picture. Never even a pimple was allowed to shown on the picture. We build up this bubble and I was one of them forming this fake suciety and I was sick of myself.
Finallly after four year living with my ex boyfriend I decided to one day move to Stockholm and focus on my carrer . I understood that If I want something to happen I had to move to a city where everthing happens. My ex boyfriend did’nt want the city life and never wanted. I struggled from the first day that we did’nt wanted the same thing , it broked my heart at first and I cried many nights and had big decision anxiety for four year. The love of your life and the only security you ever felt or your own dreams. Not exactly easy decision. He was the only person who I could feel didn’t wanted to abandon me. And I left that and everything I had and moved to Stockholm without knowing what would happen.We broke up one month after I moved. We’re still great friends today. He supports my dreams and I will always love him as a friend.

On the outside . People thought I was living the glamours life. Mingles at Fashion Weeks and fancy event wearing fashionable cloth . In the real life , I had two jobs where I worked more then 100 % , as waitress and sale assistent at SL ( local trafic ) to be able to pay my bills . Nothing I told anyone besides my nearest friends of course. My sponsors didn’t like to know I’m not a fulltime blogger and my fans liked to think I’m famous for real . I didn’t wanted to tell the other bloggers who was a lot bigger then me that I’m mopping floor in a sushi resturant tomorrow while i’m drinking champange at a nice event. Even old friends who never talked to me for years suddenly writes to me saying congratzs and want to hang out. Don’t know what was worst , them or my real friends I thought I had who couldn’t be happy for me. Who thought I was just lucky. They didn’t see how much hard work I did. I could wake up 4 am to be at work 6am , doing photoshoot after that and gym when everyhhing is done , or work late night shift and come home 1 pm in the night but stil wake up 6am so I can do photoshoots.

I got stress attack twice after I moved to stockholm. Once i fell down on the floor at work so I couldn’t move. Another time I got huge stress mark red and svullen all over the body , it didn’t disapare after one month. The work was not the most stressing part . All the fake parts in the industry . People acting like they are best friend after just seeing each other once. Companies who don’t want to work with me anymore because I have too few likes.
Seeing models just 3,4 years older then my 10 years old baby sister trying to act like a sexy adult women breaks my heart. Most of the times they look so skinny so I feel bad and just can’t stand for any of it. Company wanted to pay me for do advertising for their brand when I don’t like their products at all. Groups of other blogger want me to like each others pictures not because I really like them but helping to get more follower. Company that writes me everyday to offer me buying likes and fake follower to help me get famous.  And it just goes on and on and on.

At one point I got enough . I quit blogging and I quit everything I coulden’t stand for.
Luckly I got to know so many amazing and talented people who I had to honor to not just work with but also get to call them my friends. They are the reason I’m where I’m today because they helped me to dare be myself and still be able to create art and everything I love and not let me forget this is the only reason I started from the first place.
And of course my mother, my sister who always support me and my best friend who does everything for me unconditionally . Whitout them , my life would have been a lot harder then it is.

 

Today I have a full time job at Prada . I had never worked in retail my whole life and if you would have told me I would work for one of the most famous and biggest luxury company when I was younger I would just have laughed. I mean , they didn’t even wanted me in Lindex in a small town. I like my job , I have great colleagues that I really like  even if I was really struggling at first . I’m keeping trying to  start my own brand and are on good way and I do also have plans to create a production company / community where we together work against everything that’s wrong with the industry. I want us to set up the new rules , break the old ones. Just because things are the way it is dosen’t mean it should be. I want more people to see the beauty of art, of fashion and let the passion take over all the unfair things that’s happening everyday both in the society and the media industry. Everyday we walk by comercial signs , watching movies, music videos,  spent hours and hours on social media. Everything affect us and the way we see ourselfs. And as one of the people behind all the message we are sending out to the society I feel like it’s my duty to do what I can do to make the world a better place to live in.

Today I’m not longer sufuring from mental illness. And I’m not longer ashamed of anything , not my background , not my childhood , the facts is that I’m proud of it. I started from the bottom and worked my way up all by myself . And I’m far from done. I’m not longer gonna hide anything about myself , what I work with , who Iam , what I’ve been thorough. I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do , I have the whole world in front of me and if I just work hard enough , I can get as far as I want and I’m not gonna let anything stop me.

I hope my story gives you some courage. It dosen’t matter where you come from , what you’ve been through. Never let anybody stop you from wanting what you want , doing what you do. Never let the society change you when you have the power to change it. By sharing my own story and open up my own heart I’m taking the first step to create my own vision of how I wish and want this society and industry should be. I want everything to be without filter , I want the realness , I want honesty. I don’t want to be a inspiration only because of my style or my clothing. I want to do what I can to inspire in every possible way.

I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have a long journey ahead . So much to learn, so many more goals to reach. And I really hope I can get so many of you on my journey as possible. I want you guys to share your own stories , stand up for your own visions , and inspire more people to do so too. Together , we can do everything <3

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